Light Blue

Thanks for all the wonderful comments about my funk.  You all really made me smile and it meant so much.  🙂

I am still blue today but less so, so I’m saying I’m light blue.  It’s progress.

I’ve been unable to even really pinpoint why I’m struggling so much.  I feel like I’m emotionally fighting some pull inside that’s dragging me down really hard.

I’ve been doing all my magic tricks… Fake it till you make it.  Make someone else happy.  Drink wine.  Eat chocolate.  Do things you love.  Play happy music.  Make the environment brighter.  And so on.  And it helped a little bit, but I am still battling it.

I know some of the issues…

  • Once again, I have to mourn the end of my baby-making and baby-raising years.  I went through a deep depression when we were finished having babies after Jack, and I fought it for months.  Alex was a delightful (huge) surprise after I’d finally come to terms with not having any more of those moments I have loved so much — never again feeling a baby kick inside, no more slings, no more watching our babies “tree frog” on Daryl (he snuggles them on his chest and they curl up against him like tree frogs), no more breastfeeding, no more baby clothes, no more tiny person holding my finger while toddling in first steps…  I have loved all of that stuff so much and it’s very hard to know it’s over for me forever.
  • Victoria is at an incredibly tough stage in her own growing up, which takes her on crazy emotional rides.  I am VERY emotionally linked to my children and especially to Victoria.  I think this is a bit like when your child has a stomach flu and you feel like throwing up all day out of empathy.
  • Victoria is also…  always absolutely perfect!  Sweetheart, that’s for you, since I know you read this and don’t want me talking about you! Let’s just say that even the most wonderful child in the universe can occasionally make you want to scream, sob or say “You should really be nicer to me” (all of which I’ve done in the past week, I believe).
  • Alex is utterly exhausting and crazy-making.  My goodness, that kid is something.  I love him dearly, but it’s a wonder I’m not on major drugs.  You have no idea.  He had better take me on lots of fabulous trips when he’s all grown up to make up for this.  😉
  • I’m lonely.  I do not fit into this town and I’m tired of driving long distances to hang out with fabulous friends.  People in this town are very close to one another (they all come from the same families, go to the same small school, attend the same church…) and it’s always loneliest being in a crowd.
  • The nights have been long.  Having Daryl and the girls gone every evening for rehearsal is always tough on me.
  • This summer has been so busy that we’re really taking the time being off from homeschooling.  I miss it.  It really bonds us.  We like it.  It’s fun.  It feels off, wrong, incomplete without zany experiments or half finished lapbooks or gathering round to listen to “A Little History of the World.”
  • We have no air conditioning in our van.  It’s a small thing, but when it’s 90 degrees and as humid as your average shower stall, it’s miserable to drive a half an hour (which is how long it takes to get anywhere from here) without air conditioning.  It hasn’t worked since we bought our van 2 months ago, and it’s apparently broken in every Chrysler van over a several-year period and the part has been back-ordered from the factory this whole time.  I am tired of headaches from the humidity and being sweaty and miserable.  We only have a/c in one part of our house and I have lived with that, but now I’m just feeling grumpy with none in our van either.
  • The kids have been bickering and being typical siblings with each other.
  • We no longer have ages where the kids can all do things together.  With a very few exceptions, I have to plan activities that will leave at least some of the kids out.  I really dislike that, but just try and find a game that a precocious twelve-year-old girl and a hyperactive three-year-old boy will both enjoy!
  • Lots of sad things have happened to people I care about lately.
  • I worry too much about the future, helping make four college/career plans work out, thinking about my kids going off into that real world that I so happily abandoned… I know what happens out there.  Almost anything bad that could happen to a person happened to me and I want to protect my kids.  The real world is also full of opportunities and friends and magic though, and I know I have to support that journey someday soon.
  • It has really hit home to me that our kids go through several stages as they grow up where they leave us and are replaced by new and different versions of themselves.  I am grieving for the younger versions of my kids and all of the wonderful quirks and nuances that made them who they were.  After years and years of having my little girl who loved purple, planned to be a doctor from the age of two, was obsessed with tigers and liked everybody, I’ve had to say goodbye to her and fall in love with her replacement.  No longer a little girl, this new daughter loves German emo rock bands, wants to be a photographer, prefers black, loves sarcasm and wry humor, doesn’t want anything to do with most people and spends most of her time on the internet.  She’s fabulous and I can’t wait to watch how she evolves next, but a part of me truly mourns that little girl from the past.
  • I have two friends who lost their daughters and I am always thinking about them.  How do you begin to help ease that kind of grief?  How do you make sense of a world that lets these things happen to such wonderful mothers, such amazing children?
  • I’ve felt disconnected from friends online.  People are busy.  Lists go quiet.  Still, I miss those connections.
  • There’s probably hormones mixed up in there too.  😉

Tomorrow:  Homeschooly stuff.  And less wallowing.

Today:  More chocolate.

Thanks for listening.

PS  If you want homeschooly stuff, here’s my latest at the Examiner.  There’s reviews, 99 more things to do this summer, really cool ant experiments, book cover bingo (you can win free books!) and more.  And your clicks will help get us air conditioning… or chocolate.

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9 thoughts on “Light Blue

  1. Coming out of my summer internet quietness to send you virtual hugs. I get in these funks too, I suspect we all do. Often I don’t know ‘why’ until after it is over, and sometimes never know why. Maybe bariatric pressure, hormones, too much ‘real’ in the world at the time, who knows? But time is the cure (though it can feel like the curse at the time too). When the world rights itself it is such a relief!
    .-= candyn´s last blog ..In the details =-.

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    • Thanks Candyn. 🙂 And I think there may be something to that barometric pressure thing, now that you mention it. I have been really tired and battling headaches that are linked to it. All of the gunk in the air is trapped down here too (allergens, chemicals, pesticides, pollution, nasty smells…) and that could play a part too. Sometimes I guess you just need to ride things out!

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  2. I say take a road trip, it was only 65 here today! Of course that will go back up in a few days…

    Hugs to you. Find a quiet place and a good book (and chocolate doesn’t hurt either.) Tell the kids to go read their own books and chill.
    .-= liese4´s last blog ..Target art nights 7-16-18 =-.

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  3. I am right there in the light blue boat with you. You are not alone. We’ve just recently decided to stop trying for a second child and it’s effecting me much more than I thought it would. Planning for next year is overwhelming, my son is growing up way too fast, various financial burdens, the house is a disaster and friends are always too far away in this close-minded small town… ((hugs)) We’ll get through it somehow. I know it’s cheesy but I really have to make gratitude lists to keep myself from turning dark blue.

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    • Oh Chanda, I’m sorry you’re going through all that! Are you near Minnesota? I’d get together with you! 🙂 Keep up with the gratitude lists and remember that everything in life is tidal. It will get better. ((((hugs))) to you too!

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  4. Yep, we’re up by Princeton, MN though, north of the cities. If it wasn’t for our homeschool group I’d completely lose my mind. LOL

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  5. Chanda, my daughter reads your daughter’s blog and I believe she found it through newmoon. My daughter is in love with the same band, has started wearing black and spends hours on the net as well. She’s struggling with trying to be a vegetarian but so far, her love of hamburgers has her deadlocked! She just turned 9. She’s always been ahead of schedule on everything.

    We don’t home school but she goes to a terrific Charter school which is sometimes referred to as the “hippie granola school” around these parts!

    Love your blog as it somewhat mirrors my life as well..though I only have the one, very moody child! Thanks for letting me know I am NOT alone!

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    • Susan, I’m not Chanda but I think you meant that to me (Alicia). How neat that you’re one of the New Moon girl mamas! Victoria has some very close friends there and is always sad that she can’t see them in real life. A hippie granola school sounds fabulous! 😉 As for the hamburgers, try Boca burgers. They’re not bad (not as greasy or salty, but good) and even my meat-loving hubby happily eats them. We don’t do many meat substitutes but when we need a fix for hamburgers or salisbury steaks, those do the trick for us. Of course, I also tell my girls that you don’t have to do things “all or nothing” in order to make a difference in anything too. Victoria is pretty much a “mostly vegetarian.”

      Nice to meet you!

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