Putting One Foot In Front of the Other

There are some times in life that are just magical.  Things seem to have all clicked into place.  The world seems full of possibilities and I wonder often how I got to be so lucky.

This doesn’t happen to be one of those times.

To be honest, things have been difficult.  For quite some time.  I have been doing my best to put one foot in front of the other and just get through it, but that doesn’t make for much inspiration for blog posting (or much of anything else).

The past couple of years have been hard.  I lost my job as a columnist when Examiner.com went down.  I really enjoyed that job as I got to write about all the things I loved and was passionate about (homeschooling, sustainable living and attachment parenting).  I got hired at a new site and made good money but only if I mass produced content that I found soul-draining.  Yes, I occasionally wrote about topics I was passionate about, but those tended to tank and get me stern messages from management, so I found myself writing about celebrity baby names and seedy news stories.  I decided to quit and try to make it as a Kindle/CreateSpace author even though I knew that would be a drastic cut in pay and we already live on next to nothing.  I don’t regret that (life is too short to sell yourself out for a paycheck) but it has meant no more frugal Florida vacations and some really serious belt tightening on top of what was already an extremely thrifty life.

Then in the fall of last year, our beloved dog, Layla died.  We all still miss her.  Then on New Year’s, my grandmother died.  We had seen it coming and had made the trip to Ohio three times that year to try to take care of her and get time with her, but it was still a very sad loss for all of us.

Then in the spring of this year, three of my friends died.  One was my dear friend “Savage,” an ex-cop who was a close friend of mine from years ago (he even walked me down the aisle when Daryl and I married 21 years ago).  One was a really wonderful homeschool mama friend who was one of the best people I’ve ever known.  And one was an old friend here in town.

And then Victoria’s pseudo-tumors hit.  Things are still pretty dire there, despite lots of visits to the Mayo.  I am not just worried about the pseudo-tumors themselves and the pain and issues they bring, but also about finding the underlying illness that is probably causing them and about the massive doses of steroids the doctors have her on to manage them and the toll those are taking on my poor daughter’s body. Toria has been through so much already — the cancer, the sepsis, emergency surgeries and baffling illnesses.  At 19, she has had three surgeries and all of them have been above the neck. She is handling this so well but nobody should have to go through this.

There have also been lots of other little catastrophes and sadnesses.  Daryl is recovering from major shoulder surgery and has been in pretty severe pain and quite limited in what he could do for the past two months.  Someone stole things from our van that was parked in our driveway this week.  Victoria and Gabe are in their new house but have no heat (in Minnesota December).  Fiona wants far more of me than there is right now and would prefer twenty times more homeschooling than she is currently getting, which leads to great guilt on my part.  Alex, at 10, has hit his first existential crisis and cried for an hour at me the other day about things that were making him sad and about not wanting to leave his childhood.  And the teenagers — well, parenting teenagers has never been a joyful and worry-free time in this house.

And those are just the things I can make public.  There is a lot more that has been keeping my insides full of rocks and waking me up in the night. (Not to mention what’s been going on in the country and the world, which has been a pretty endless string of awful.)

So I have been sad.  Just sort of bone-crushingly sad for a pretty long time.  I keep trying to turn things around for all of us and start the day fresh and make some magic, but more often than not I have just been trying to put one foot in front of the other.

I keep thinking about a blog post I made 6 years ago when I said I was too tired to talk about cancer anymore and then unloaded here.  I guess twice a decade I need to just call everything out for the train wreck it currently is and then put one foot in front of the other again.

So that’s things here.

As always, I am brainstorming ways to turn everything around and make us all happy today.  And also just to keep going.  It will get better.

As one of my favorite singer-songwriters, Jason Isbell, sang, “Last year was a son of a bitch for nearly everyone we know.”

“Hope The High Road”  (Jason Isbell And The 400 Unit)

I used to think that this was my town
What a stupid thing to think
I hear you’re fighting off a breakdown
I myself am on the brink

I used to want to be a real man
I don’t know what that even means
Now I just want you in my arms again
And we can search each other’s dreams

I know you’re tired
And you ain’t sleeping well
Uninspired
And likely mad as hell
But wherever you are
I hope the high road leads you home again

I heard enough of the white man’s blues
I’ve sang enough about myself
So if you’re looking for some bad news
You can find it somewhere else

Last year was a son of a bitch
For nearly everyone we know
But I ain’t fighting with you down in a ditch
I’ll meet you up here on the road

I know you’re tired
And you ain’t sleeping well
Uninspired
And likely mad as hell
But wherever you are
I hope the high road leads you home again
To a world you want to live in

We’ll ride the ship down
Dumping buckets overboard
There can’t be more of them than us
There can’t be more

I know you’re tired
And you ain’t sleeping well
Uninspired
And likely mad as hell
But wherever you are
I hope the high road leads you home again
To a world you want to live in
To a world you want to live in

Here’s to better days.  And I promise to blog something fun next time.  🙂

 

 

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